Spiritual Enlightenment

While in the hospital I had a really eye-opening experience that helped me better understand and appreciate the atonement of Jesus Christ.

When I was initially admitted to the hospital, one of the first things done was to put in an IV line. One nurse tried to put in the IV and missed my vein. My hand hurt a lot where she poked me. She told me that I had really little veins, so she called an anesthesiology resident to come put it in. The anesthesiologist first gave me a shot to numb my hand before he tried to insert the IV line. The shot was supposed to feel like a small prick (ie: "mosquito bite"), but they lied. It really burned. Then the anesthesiologist had to bend my fingers in unnatural positions in order to expose my vein properly. I thought he was going to break all my fingers because it hurt so badly.

When I had the cerclage put in, they had to give me a spinal tap in order to perform the surgery. The anesthesiologist (a different one) missed getting it in three times before it finally worked. When the cerclage was removed, the anesthesiologist (another different one) missed another three times before getting it in. Each time they were going to poke me for the spinal, I had to have one of those "mosquito bite" numbing shots first. I don't know where they came up with that analogy, because I guarantee that anyone who has actually been poked with that needle will tell you it feels a lot more like 100 bee stings than a painless little mosquito bite.

Also, I had to have my IV line moved to a new location every 4 days. As you can probably guess, every time the nurses had to move my IV, they missed at least one spot before getting it in. My veins were so sore and bruised. I was beginning to worry that if they had to move the IV one more time there wouldn't be anywhere they could place it. My hands and wrists hurt so much that I even tried convincing the nurse to put my IV in my foot.

Additionally, I was in a lot of pain and discomfort from laying on my back for weeks without sitting or standing up. I was physically uncomfortable and incredibly weakened by having my head lowered for such an extended period of time. And the physical pain I had to endure was nothing compared to the emotional roller coaster that I was experiencing. I had the deepest sorrow I have ever felt. There were times when I felt completely empty and hopeless--like there was nothing more I could give, but somehow I found the strength to just keep suffering through everything.

During these painful moments when I was trying my best to stay strong, Isaac would often say to me "I wish they could do it to me instead". Every time the nurses tried to poke my vein, they would make a comment about how small my veins were. Then we would look at Isaac's huge veins and he would say "I wish you could use my veins instead". Although it was a very sweet gesture, Isaac could not take my pain away. We couldn't use his veins instead of my own. No matter how much he may have wanted it, Isaac could not have suffered in my place.

But I was in a very different position than Isaac. I was not enduring this pain for myself. I was suffering in behalf of Peter and Jane. I was able to take upon myself pain, both physical and emotional, for another. I was in a very unique position--one that really can only occur when a woman is pregnant. At no time in life can anyone else suffer in our place, but pregnant women have a rare opportunity to care and nurture another through their own body. And regardless of the pain, I would do it all over again and again and again. I would have suffered anything if it would have meant keeping my sweet babies. I would have let the doctors hang me upside-down from the ceiling for 9 months if that would have done any good. And I am willing to go through the pain and suffering for any future pregnancies in order to get my children to earth safe and healthy. (I am sure any mother feels the same way that I do about being willing to do anything for your children.)

As I was thinking about this I realized that I was willing to go through all this with no resentment because I love Peter and Jane. I loved them more than myself--I loved them unconditionally. I really didn't know them very well because we didn't spend much time together. I was able to see them a few times in ultrasounds. I felt their kicks for a few weeks. But I could feel their sweet personalities and attitudes. I had a bond with my babies that may be difficult for anyone else to understand, but it was there as strongly as if I had known them my whole life. And I learned the true meaning of unconditional love. It didn't matter that I had only known Peter and Jane for a few short months, I loved them no matter what. I would have sacrificed my own health and life to keep them safe.

This experience really made me feel close to my Savior, Jesus Christ. I often wondered why He would be willing to sacrifice so much for me. I wondered how He could care about me so much to suffer and bleed from every pore. I often felt like He might not have known me very well. I wondered how it was possible to love so unconditionally that He would die for me. But now I can better understand the love that must have taken. I definitely can't say that I would suffer and die for everyone. But I would have done so for my babies without a second's hesitation. And through this experience I can say without a doubt that I know that Christ does love me. He loves me more than I can possibly comprehend. He loves me just as I love Peter and Jane, and would have done anything for them. Although I don't understand how I could love Peter and Jane so much, I know it is possible. Therefore, I know it is possible that Christ feels that same love, and an even greater love, for me and each and every person. I better understand the love required to lay down your life for another. And I better understand the feelings He must have had as He suffered. It probably wasn't enjoyable, just as my hospital stay was not pleasant, but He would have willingly and un-resentfully gone through anything He was required to endure. And although I may not fully comprehend all that happened during the atonement, I have a deeper personal connection with my Savior than I have ever had before. And I am so incredibly grateful that He was willing to suffer and die for me so that I can be reunited with my sweet Peter and Jane again some day.