My Thoughts about Grief

One of my wonderful cousins has previously lost two babies. She gave me a book called "Gone Too Soon: The Life and Loss of Infants and Unborn Children". There have been some really touching parts that make me feel like my grieving is normal and completely validated. This book has been able to verbalize a lot of the things I have been feeling over the last month. I want to share some of my favorite quotes:

• "The general attitude toward miscarriage [or infant loss] is that because the baby was perhaps never held or seen, or because the woman carried it for only a few weeks, the parents didn't really have enough time to truly "know" that baby, and the loss is therefore dismissed. Few people understand that the parents never have an opportunity to know their child better is the tragedy."
• "When a woman becomes pregnant, she redirects her life completely...When a woman bonds with and prepares for the child, but returns home from the hospital with empty arms, the result can be devastating. To have that child so close and then to have it abruptly taken away might well be viewed as one of the cruelest occurrences in nature."
  
• "Babies symbolize life, innocence, and unconditional love. To associate a baby with death goes completely against all expectations. Babies, the beginning of life, should not enter the world at what is seemingly the end. No parent, looking forward to receiving and nourishing a new life, can be prepared for that rapid, harsh change of direction--the burial of their baby. While preparing to give life, no one prepares to say goodbye."
• "At the funeral of a friend, one woman who had previously lost a baby was shocked when a speaker said there was no reason to grieve because of their religious beliefs. "I believe in the gospel and it's a great comfort to me, " she said, "but I still hurt so bad I didn't know what to do. It didn't matter where my baby was in the afterlife. The fact was, she wasn't with me." Many people interpret sorrow and despair to be a lack of faith in Heavenly Father and in the gospel. Remember that regardless of how devoted you are to the gospel, death hurts; and the grieving process is necessary to be able to find joy in life again."

The book also has talked about the stages of grief. I feel really lucky that I have been able to miss some of the stages. I feel like I have soared past the "Why me?" stage. I have no idea why this has happened, but I am hoping that someday (in this life or the next) I will understand. Right now it isn't something that I need to worry about. Bad things happen to people, but prior to this ordeal my life has been fairly easy. The knowledge that I will be able to hold my sweet babies in my arms again is enough for me right now.


I have also skipped the "Anger/Blame" stage. I don't blame anyone for this happening. It's not Isaac's fault, it is not my doctor's fault, it is not the hospital's fault, it is not God's fault, and most importantly (to me) it is not my fault. There is nothing more that could have been done to save my babies. I am so grateful for my wonderful husband and his support of me during this difficult time because he has been grieving too, but no one seems to think men have emotions. I am also so grateful for my wonderful doctor. I keep telling Isaac that he will be the only thing I miss when we leave Milwaukee. He took such good care of me and was always very honest about the situation, but he showed the true compassion that many doctors lack. The hospital was also great. Those sweet nurses took good care of me doing things I would never even consider doing for pay. I really respect all the people out there who are caring enough to become nurses. And I don't blame myself. There are still times when I wish my body was strong enough to have successfully carried my babies, but there was nothing I could do differently. I didn't eat the wrong foods, exercise too much or too little, I didn't work too hard, I couldn't have known this was going to happen any earlier. I am a control freak, so it was hard for me to be helpless as I laid in the hospital bed. But I now know what is likely to happen in future pregnancies and I will be able to do more to prevent this from happening again.

One of the hardest parts for me about grieving was the depression. I felt "blah" all the time. I didn't have preferences anymore. Food didn't sound appealing, I didn't care what we watched on tv or movies. I felt like I was wandering around like a zombie wherever someone would lead me--and I didn't care. But a few days ago I had an epiphany...

A few nights ago Isaac and I received a visit from a couple in our ward. Isaac knows the husband fairly well, but I really didn't know his wife very well. We have talked a few times at church, and I always thought she was really sweet, but I didn't know her much more than that. At this visit she gave me a little present. Inside was an adorable necklace with two baby rings with Peter and Jane's initials inscribed. I was completely touched that someone who doesn't know me very well would go to the trouble of having a jeweler etch my babies initials in a beautiful piece of jewelry and have it shipped to Wisconsin. This got me thinking of all the wonderful things that have been done for Isaac and me since we entered the hospital: We received countless emails, phone calls, hospital visits, facebook posts, and cards from concerned family and friends. We had people bringing us food, flowers, giving blessings, providing rides to the hospital and airport, mowing our lawn, bottling my tomatoes, bringing me books, movies, magazines, games, and all sorts of other entertainment for the hospital. We have had people making custom tiny baby clothes, blankets, and other mementos for Peter and Jane. In Utah, we had wonderful support from family and friends with funeral preparations, financial support, and flower arrangements. I even had one dear friend go to my house to clean up the blood and other nasty bodily fluids after Peter was born. (Fortunately there wasn't anything nasty to be cleaned up because Peter's amniotic sac had ruptured days before and I didn't deliver his placenta until after Jane was born.)

This got me thinking about how blessed I have been throughout this ordeal. Many people don't have a support system, and mine turned out to be larger than I was even aware of. Driving to work the other morning I realized that we often expect family and close friends to do those kind of things for us, even if they don't have to, and we often take them for granted. But if people who don't know me very are willing to order me a custom-made necklace, then I didn't have any reason to be depressed. I realized that Peter and Jane wouldn't want me to be unhappy. They are happy and were so perfect that they didn't have to suffer through this life. And I carry them around with me in my heart all the time. I am so blessed to know that my babies will always be mine and I can be with them again.

I also learned that I have a lot to improve on. I have been a selfish family member, friend, and neighbor to people around me because I don't think of good ways to serve them the way I was served. I need to be better about loving the people around me. I want to be able to lift others up and serve them. Peter and Jane would want me to be happy and to help make others happy too.